According to local legend, in ancient times the people of Kent once made God angry; For their many crimes (coveting oxen, fornicating in oast-houses… etc), the lord smote the land, and in his wrath created a great void. The citizens of Kent who survived were cursed with talking and looking “a bit funny”, a burden that some still bear to this day.
If you are willing to visit this land, you can still find the site of this legendary devastation near Junction 2 of the M25, between Dartford and Gravesend. The citizens of Kent have transformed this hideous crater into one of England’s largest retail parks. From destruction, they have created the perfect paradise, so perfectly adapted to the needs and desires of the modern Kentsperson.
In shocking announcement, the management of the Bluewater shopping-center announced that Hoodie tops and Baseball caps would no longer be an acceptable form of dress in their halls o’retail. The sneering british press gleefully announced that this was to keep the “chav” elements out, after all nobody likes to shop for hoodie-tops and baseball caps whilst being pestered by lads wearing hoodie-tops and baseball tops.
Gruff-faced deputy Prime Minister John Prescott describes these clothes as an “intimidating” uniform; citing an incident where he was almost assaulted by ten hooded yobbos, he has put his political might behind the ban; perhaps believing that if we remove their clothes they will be too cold to leave their dirty homes.
In my opinion, banning these garments makes as much sense as banning pointy-hats from the Vatican, and likely to be as effective. The hoodie has now been promoted to the status of an ‘outsider’ garment; the fact that Prescott dislikes it will only make it more desirable for others. I,for one, shall wear my hoodie with pride for it is the garb of a rebel.
In any case, where will this end? I doubt the loss of sale of hoodies will dent the awesome profits of Bluewater, but what if the yobbish element adapt? Hoodies are the least aspirational form of chav-wear; however one can be just as yobbish wearing football strip. Would they go so far as to ban that?
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