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My solution to the problem of rampant movie piracy is to make films so apalling, they are not worth the bother of downloading.

For example, the brilliance of Pixar’s “Finding Nemo” was in my opinion utterly self-defeating. That film has been at the top of the Bittorrent charts for the over a year. Being at the top of this chart is at best a Pyrrhic victory for Pixar.

If the film had not been so good then fewer people would be bothered to copy it. Surely Pixar realize that the CGI revolution is not intended to raise quality, but to make mediochre concepts (that would be too costly for traditional animation) into feature films.

Of course, it takes a company like Dreamworks SKG to show us how it should be done: The makers of the fairytale sit-com series ‘Shrek’ have come up with a cornucopia of averageness that makes 1970’s Hannah-Barbara cartoons seem like a smorgasbord of imagination. This is animation for tartrazine fueled five year olds. Films like this convince most adults that all animation is rubbish, and has the artistic merit of a discarded Happy-Meal box.

“Shark Tale”, aims for mediocrity and hits the spot again and again, with the precision of a samuri archer. This film was more perfectly bland than even Big Willie’s previous outing .

I couldnt watch much further than this… what did I miss? Probably nothing.

If the MPAA hauled me into court for my many crimes, I will tell the judge that I felt the deepest regret almost as soon as the download was complete. I will tell the judge that my sadness was so utterly overwhelming, that I was forced to stop watching shortly after the bit with the “Will Smith Fish”. Lets hope that this display of remorse moves the judge to end my questioning and I get let off with only a mild prison-sentence or beating. This would indeed be mild compared to being made to watch the rest of the movie.

Should the questioning continue, he would learn that my sorrow was not for my own terrible crimes, but for humanity as a whole; I was crying for the crime of making this film in the first place. The shame of being on the same planet and sharing 99.999% of my DNA with the people who made this film. These for me are much greater causes for regret.

I cannot truthfuly say that the whole film was bad, because I was only able to manage the first five minutes. The moments I saw were a form of cinematic torture; I am sure they play this movie at the Guantanamo Odeon.

In the five minutes I saw, I was apalled by the hideous character design; fish and invertebrates with human faces. I imagine H. P. Lovecraft had nightmares about such things. Perhaps monsters like this do exist in the Sellafield out-flow; however the concept of these talking fish is more of an afront to the dignity of life than anything Lovecraft’s fever’d mind could have invented.

If the Great Old Ones were to return, from their (fictional) starry prison, they would have no need to torment or dement mankind because the animated talking fish will have allready made us into feebrile idiots.

I took belinda to see the new Audtrey Tatou film ‘A Very Long Engagement‘, which is currently on Limited release in a selection of London’s more louche cinemas. It’s director also produced French quirk-fests; Amelie and City of Lost Children. He also produced the yawnsome, Alien Resurrection, perhaps the most dissapointing film about flesh-ripping xenomorphs. But what can you expect from the man who gave us